Tantra & Gay Marriage

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Video Transcript:

Hello there, this time I'd like to talk to you about gay marriage, and you might ask me what that has to do with Tantra but let me just go back a couple of steps. So gay marriage was given to us across the world probably in the last few years. 
 
One interesting statistic which you're probably aware of is that up to half of all heterosexual marriages end in divorce. Let just repeat that for you, just up to half of all heterosexual marriages end in divorce. I kind of sit there thinking why would I as a gay man take on an institution of marriage where I've got a 1 in 2 chance of it working? That kind of takes me back to really considering about what marriage is. Is it a institution that's been given down to us by Christianity telling us that we must marry one other person and be with that person for the rest of our lives. Originally when I was talking to some of my friends they said marriage was originally to do with land deals and land swaps or marrying into lines or marrying into families that have certain resources. 
 
I kind of sit with the question around who says the way that we understand marriage actually works for us as humans. It's like we have been given the idea of marriage from the Church, we've been given the idea of marriage from generations of our families passed down, and we're kind of working on an idea of marriage that was something that was created in the Dark Ages and  one in two of those marriages ends in divorce and it's like why on earth would you want to take this on.
 
For me when I look at the idea of marriage from a Tantric perspective what I'm considering is firstly reclaiming back my power around what my marriage means to me. Let me just repeat that, reclaiming back my power and my decision and my sense of what's right inside my inner truth about what marriage is,  what a correct marriage looks like. 
 
Some of you may know I married my husband Ingo, well actually we went through a civil partnership, and then I upgraded us to a marriage when that became legal. One of the things I did, and might be helpful to you, because we were doing a civil partnership, we actually didn't have the necessity to need to do what typically happens within a marriage ceremony. I was with one of my really good friends, Dee, and we created and orchestrated a service and vows that Ingo and I made to each other that were based on our truth, that were based on what we wanted our relationship to be.
 
So before anybody else's ideas of what a good marriage looks like, and before anybody else's ideas for me, what I wanted to do, what Ingo and I went through, was a process of what is it that we're really marrying or making a commitment to be with within the container of our relationship. We basically were able to make promises around supporting and helping the other person be the best version of themselves in the world. 
 
So when we did our marriage vows, we didn't make marriage vows around fidelity, we didn't make marriage vows around control, we didn't make marriage vows about all my resources are yours. But within the custom, the concept of marriage all of that was kind of happening in terms of shared resources, but I think what it gave us was a real opportunity to really think about what we were wanting to marry in the other person.
 
I would also say in terms of looking at gay marriage, not only was I able to with Ingo work out what our marriage was about, but in that was a deeper sense of truth, a deeper sense of connecting, of what was really our truth.
 
One of my other bug bearers about the concept of marriage is around total monogamy. Now I get for some couples that's really gonna work, gay and straight, you know that's gonna absolutely work that idea of monogamy.
 
But I do know for a large number of gay men that's a real struggle, where after a few years the sex life kind of peters out. People come to me looking for Tantra techniques around how to get the passion back. For me I think there's two things that are kind of going on there. One is about how to sustain true intimacy that brings sexual energy. I think that's one pathway.
 
I also think the other pathway is just a fact of life. We are sexual beings, we feel sexual with a particular partner for a while, and over time that subsides. But I think also in there is relationships, and not just based on sex. For me a relationship is hard work but it's based on true, deep intimacy with another.
 
Actually, if you were using the other person as a mirror, it's actually deep intimacy with yourself. For me it's about finding your truth, and it's about naming the stuff that is really, really difficult for you to name - your needs, your desires, your passion - and for you to be working out with your partner what is the best way, what is the marriage, what is the agreement, what is the support with each other that can help you both live within a beautiful container that is intimate, loving, honest, truthful, and without needing to suppress yourself.
 
For me what Tantra brings is those ideas and those possibilities of living your complete truth and being able to construct that within a marriage, within a container that's of your choosing. So just some ideas for you about the ideas of gay marriage and I hope that they're helpful to you.

 

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